Monday, August 19, 2013

Negative Energy

Taking a quick break from my usual Monday Goals - 
Hubby and I had a long talk last night. He's frustrated that I seem negative a lot of the time. I totally agreed with him. I have been going through quite a bit lately (or my whole life?), and it has come out as negative energy.
I don't want to  be negative. I want to be positive! I asked him when I seem the most positive and he mentioned that I'm the most positive when I'm doing the things I love. Writing. Running. Reading. Music. Ever since I started my new job I've been neglecting doing the things I love. I didn't get a lot of my runs done this week - because of my PTSD acting up. There's a fine line between having PTSD and letting it control you.

Truth - I have mental crap that I deal with. Sometimes I deal with it a lot.
Lie - It controls me and keeps me from doing what I love.
Truth - I control me. If I actually did the things I love in spite of my PTSD instead of using that as an excuse, I would feel a lot better.

Don't get me wrong - if you are in a place where you have lost interest in things that used to make you happy, you might be dealing with depression. Get help! Right now that's not the place that I'm at. I'm at the healing from depression point - the realizing that I can be happy, in fact, its okay to be happy. It's okay to take joy in life instead of hanging onto negative emotions/energy

So with that being said, I'm working on my goals - the biggest of which is making time for things that I love. I hope my blog will start to reflect that too. Because of my PTSD (long story made short) I have a hard time doing things that I want to do. I have the best intentions and such, and then I let my issues take over, and doing what I love falls away. It's a cycle - when my PTSD acts up, I let it keep me from doing what I love, so I have more PTSD flare ups. One big circle!

I'm working on re-evaluating my life. My goals. My direction. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm still running my planned races. :) Just maybe taking a different approach. A joyful approach instead of a forced approach.

To be continued soon....


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